The sound of a baby crying is distressing, isn’t it? As a mother, any time I hear the sound of a baby’s cry, my ears perk up and I start looking around for where that sound came from. This instinctive reaction tells me as humans we’re wired to pay attention to a baby’s cry. 

I asked a group of Moms how they’d describe a baby, and what they said is in the image below. Of all the words,“Cute” and “Helpless” stood out for me.

And when I asked them, “What’s the first thought that comes to your mind when you think or hear a baby cry?”. They all said the a version of the same thing, “Is the baby hungry, sleepy, uncomfortable?” Does she need attention or a warm cuddle? Is she missing Mommy?”

I’d say, all of these thoughts can be summarized as, “What is the baby trying to say, what does she need….??”

So, this quick survey of Moms just goes to show that if you are a mother – you instinctively & intuitively know that a baby’s cry is its way of communicating with you. 

“CRYING IS COMMUNICATION”. 

It is a way by which a little human, who has no other means to express, is trying to converse with us.

Taking this thought one step further, I’d say – Crying is a distress call. It is a child’s call for help – a means to seek a caregiver’s attention & get what it needs to survive & thrive.

In this article, you will learn:

1. Why children cry?
2. What to do when they cry – How to manage your crying child positively & effectively?
3. What NOT to do when your child cries?

So, let’s dive in.

Why do children cry?

Here’s 3 ways to interpret your child’s crying irrespective of their age. 

When your child cries, they are: 

1. Expressing their physical discomfort : 

In the newborn – infant stage, we became familiar with this. Our little baby would cry to communicate every physical need whether it’s colic pain, hunger, thirst, potty, feeling hot or cold – everything! Leaving us Moms to do the guessing game. But within a few months, we all became quite good at it, right?

2. Communicating their unmet emotional needs:

When our child hit the one-year mark, we didn’t realize that as they’re growing physically their emotional needs are also expanding. Now, their crying is to communicate more than just their physical needs. They’re also trying to communicate their emotional need for attention, connection, power, predictability and more. 

If you have a 0-5 year old child and you’d like to learn more about how to interpret your child’s physical & emotional needs from their behavior, this eBook “Decoding your toddler’s hidden needs” will be super helpful.

3. Releasing their physical or emotional hurts

Crying is the simplest and easiest way in which a child (or grown up) can release pent-up emotions and stress from the body & mind. 

Have you had moments when your child is crying for the silliest reason? They ask you to pour the juice in the cup, but then they cry because they wanted to pour it themselves?? 

The truth is they were just looking for a reason to cry and release stored pent-up emotional hurts. It could be they missed you the whole day or week, maybe something happened at school, it could be anything that they couldn’t fully process or release. And now that they know you’re available, they feel safe to release it.

Did you know tears contain the stress hormone – cortisol? Research on human tears shows that the tears we cry of emotion contain stress hormones. This is a clear indication that tears help release pain and stress (Ref: Leo, Pam. Connection Parenting)

Crying has a restorative & healing effect on the body. And that’s why I want you to consider ‘letting your child cry’ but with a caveat. I do not mean this in a way that the traditional ‘cry-it-out’ method suggests, where the crying child is completely ignored and left alone to deal with their own emotions. 

Instead when children cry, they need caring adults to support them. And because you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re one of them. As you read, you’ll learn how to support & guide your crying child in helpful & positive ways.

What To Do When Children Cry?

The best way to manage a crying child is by NOT stopping them from crying. This is counter-intuitive for most of us, isn’t it?

When we hear our child cry, the first thing we tell them is, “Don’t cry!” But does that help? Has your child ever stopped crying listening to that? It’s because like we discussed in the previous section, crying is a means for them to release their pent-up emotions. Children are wired to use these natural bodily mechanisms to release stress and restore their mind and body back to its default state of joy and wellness. 

But, because the sight & sound of your child crying is distressing for you, you feel stressed by it – and your brain’s natural defence mechanism suggests that you immediately shut down the source of your distress i.e. your child’s cry. It’s ok, it’s how we are wired. The good news is, you can now learn how to override this natural reaction because it’s not helpful and learn how to start RESPONDING to your child’s cries in more meaningful ways, instead of REACTING.

Here’s 3 things to do when your child cries: It is as simple as A-B-C-D

1. Activate curiosity – Why? 

Now that you understand crying is communication, teach yourself to shift your thinking from “How can I make this crying stop?” to “What is my child trying to communicate?”

2. Be present

Accept & acknowledge that your child’s cries are genuine & valid. No matter how unreasonable it seems, they’re NOT doing it to make your life miserable. 

“They don’t intend to give you a hard time, they are having a hard time.” 

The first thing they need when they’re crying is your WARM PRESENCE. So, take a moment to stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath and just be there for them, listen to what they have to say (if they do) and let them release all that’s hurting them.

Accept that you can’t make the boo-boo go away, whether it’s physical or emotional. But you can help them feel safe in your presence. Don’t we all wish for a shoulder to cry on? Someone who can just be there for us? Then be that person for your little one!

3. Connect 

To connect (here) means to ‘acknowledge & accept your child’s feelings as they are’. The simplest way to acknowledge their feelings is to: SAY WHAT YOU SEE.

“I see that you’re sad.” “You look scared.” 

It’s a guess most of the time. If you’re wrong, they’ll correct you if they can. Even if they can’t speak or completely comprehend your words, your child understands your intent to connect to help them feel better. And this connection that you create in the moment with your body & words is like throwing in a float with a rope when your child is drowning in a sea of emotions. When you stay with them through their toughest emotions, it’s like you’re pulling your end of the rope, bringing your child towards her safe haven – that’s YOU. And as your child starts to feel safer, having released what’s hurting them, you’ll see them calming down gradually, sometimes in a few minutes or longer depending on how deep their hurt /  need is. 

Here’s few simple ways to connect with your crying child in the moment:

CONNECT WITH YOUR BODY: Go down physically to their level, or lift them up. Make eye contact. Give a gentle touch, rub their back or hold them close. Pay attention / listen to what they’re saying

CONNECT WITH YOUR WORDS “I see that you’re angry. It’s ok to feel angry.” “You look scared. It’s ok to feel scared.” “It’s frustrating when the blocks fall apart.” “It’s so hard to stop playing in the water, & get dressed, right?”

 This is called giving your child a TIME-IN with you, which is the exact opposite of sending your child to a TIME-OUT away from you, when they’re misbehaving or having a big meltdown.

4. Do what’s needed:

Remember, crying is communication. By activating your curiosity to know the WHY behind their distress, you’ll at least have a guess about what’s missing. I strongly recommend reading this quick ebook that will help you master the art of decoding your toddler’s needs. 

When your child is crying they might be trying to communicate a physical need for food or rest. Or it could be an emotional need for connection, attention or power. Whatever is your best guess, do what you can to meet their needs as soon as possible. 

Remember, your child’s need for food is different from their want for chocolate when they’re hungry. Here’s where it’s important to meet their NEED while setting a necessary limit on their wants. 

So, managing your crying toddler can be as simple as A-B-C-D. How do you feel about that?! 🙂

How does this process help?

I’m sure this process might sound & feel very different from what you’ve been doing so far, or what you’ve seen your parents / other parents do. But let me assure you, every step in this process is backed with solid research & scientific proof. 

This method of supporting your child through their tough emotions is called co-regulation. It means you are teaching your child to regulate & manage their big feelings by modeling it to them and with them. Children learn best from what they see & experience with us. These invaluable lessons that your child is learning through their daily interactions with you will go a long way in helping them develop necessary skills of emotional regulation & resilience. 

Summary:

• Don’t stop the crying.
• Accept & allow the release of big emotions in your warm presence.
• Connect with your body : Offer your warm presence, Spend time-in
• Connect with your words
• Meet the hidden unmet need
• Teach your child emotional regulation through co-regulation.

What you must NOT do when children cry? 

Little children learn to shut down the emotional healing process when they get messages from their parents & caregivers that it is not acceptable to express their painful feelings.

Here’s ten different responses that close down children’s emotional healing process, curated by renowned author Pam Leo in her book “Connection Parenting”.

• Invalidating – “There, there, there’s nothing to cry about or be afraid of.”

• Shaming – “Don’t cry. Be a big boy/girl. Don’t be a sissy. Don’t be a baby.”
• Threatening – “I’ll give you something to cry about!”
• Placating or fixing it – “I’ll get you a new one.”
• Distraction – “Let’s go get a cookie.”
• Isolation – “Go to your room until you can stop crying.”
• Ignoring – Unspoken or spoken, “I won’t talk to you until you stop crying.”
• Outdoing – “You think that’s bad, listen to what happened to me.”
• Guilting – “You have so much; you shouldn’t be upset over this.”
• Humoring – Child falls on the pavement, “Did you hurt that driveway?”

While these methods are often convenient quick-fixes, they have long term negative consequences on the child’s mental, emotional & physical well-being. 

All of these responses give children a clear negative message: “You are not allowed to express and release your painful feelings.” 

There’s research to prove that “Emotions buried alive, never die”. They show up in undesirable ways in our behavior, personality and affects the development of our mental & emotional coping mechanisms. Take a moment to think about how this fact holds true in your own life & upbringing.

As parents who want to do the best for our children, I’m sure you’ll put to good use the positive & gentle methods you’ve learnt in this article. You’ll see how a simple A-B-C-D can help you manage your child’s big emotions in the moment and also pave the way for your child to gain valuable skills of emotional regulation & resilience in the long run.