Getting your toddler to share can be a tough task. But did you know toddlers aren’t developmentally ready for sharing? In this post, I want to answer all your top questions about toddler sharing (rather about, your toddler not sharing!)
Sharing is something that I see so many toddler parents sweat about! Well, I know where your worry comes from. When you see your toddler monstrously grab toys from other kids, and when it’s time to share their own toys, they cling to it so tight that even Hulk wouldn’t be able to release those toys from their grasp! When you see this kind of behavior, I understand it’s natural for you to extrapolate and visualize your child 10 years down the line, turning into a selfish & mean bully. Plus, in these situations – there are other kids & parents involved, so often embarrassment just hits the roof, making you squirm under your skin! I see you, my friend. So, let me ease things a little bit for you, by telling you some facts that you’re probably not aware of.
Is it normal for a toddler not to share?
Yes, it is developmentally appropriate if your 1 year / 2 year / 3 year old does not want to share toys with others. And here’s why.
Why is it so hard for toddlers to share?
Your child is going through massive developmental leaps during toddlerhood. While we can clearly see & acknowledge their physical development, we are often unaware of the stages of their cognitive, emotional & social development.
Here’s four fundamental & developmental reasons that explain WHY your toddler can’t share?
1. Developing concept of SELF: During toddlerhood, cognitively – your child’s focus is completely on SELF. This focus on self is helpful because it lets them master important life skills like walking, running, feeding themselves, dressing themselves and so on. But, during this phase, they have a hard time grasping the concept of yours & ours, and therefore everything is “MINE”. They have a hard time understanding that things can belong to others as well. They also tend to be highly possessive about their toys or things they value (which may belong to others), so much that they might even identify these things as a part of themselves. Now, isn’t it clear why it is so hard for them to share their toys, because it feels like giving a part of themselves away! Ah! That’s painful, isn’t it?
2. Developing concept of empathy: Developmentally, a toddler’s focus is only on their own feelings, wants & needs. Now let’s think about situations where we expect our toddlers to share or not snatch toys from others. We expect them to shift their focus from their SELF to the other child. Sharing requires them to think from another child’s perspective, understand how they might be feeling, and therefore choose to share their possessions. In short, we’re expecting them to do what they’re developmentally not capable of yet. The parts of their brain responsible for these sophisticated functions of perspective taking, empathy, kindness will take several years to develop. So, your toddler is not being mean or selfish when they cling on tightly to their / others possessions. That’s the best they can do with the brain development & abilities they have at that age.
3. Lack of the concept of time: Since toddlers cannot yet understand the concept of time, giving up something even for a minute can feel like forever. And that’s why they have those big emotions when you ask them to take turns or share.
4. Lack of impulse control: Your toddler’s brain is emotionally driven. They do not yet have the ability to rationalize and overcome their emotional drives that make them want to snatch toys from others, or hit when someone grabs their favourite toys.
I believe, it’s as clear as day why it is so hard for toddlers to share. They are just not developmentally ready for it at this age.
At what age do toddlers understand sharing?
The question you might be asking is – When is sharing developmentally appropriate? Between 3.5 to 5 years, children start to enjoy playing WITH other kids rather than by themselves. The positive or negative interactions that your child might have during playdates when they share or don’t share are healthy learning opportunities. Your child will naturally take lessons from their friends’ reactions when they share or don’t and will learn to share & adapt accordingly.
It is during these years that your child’s brain becomes open & available to learn & understand the concept of sharing. The actual act of willingly parting with their possessions must come along when they’re ready – through multiple interactions. As parents & caregivers, we can influence this milestone positively or negatively. I’ll explain how as you read.
Why you shouldn’t force your child to share?
I’ve seen most parents getting obsessed with pushing their toddler to share in every playdate or interaction with other kids. You might think you’re imbibing good qualities in your child by teaching them that “Sharing is caring.”
But, here’s what happens when you force your child to share anything or everything.
1. It tells your toddler his needs don’t matter, & he must put others’ wants / needs first. (As Moms we know how much we struggle with self-care because of this thought-process).
2. It teaches the other toddler who’s demanding the toy, that waiting is not needed. He is entitled to have what he wants when he wants it.
Also, if you keep pushing the ‘sharing’ agenda all the time, and your toddler consistently feels bad about it – he will start associating those bad feelings with “sharing” & soon sharing becomes a bad word. Even when he’s developmentally ready for it, he will be less likely to want to share willingly. It’s a lose-lose!. So, be patient & do not force sharing.
What to do when your toddler won’t share?
Before we get to what you can do to help your toddler share, here’s what you should NOT do when your toddler refuses to share.
- Don’t take it personally – Yes, situations can get embarrassing when other parents are around. But remember, self-centeredness in toddlerhood is a normal part of development, and not a reflection of parenting or caregiving.
- Don’t blame, shame, punish or label your child as ‘selfish’. These labels or negative experiences that they associate with sharing, will serve as roadblocks in their natural development & progression towards learning to share willingly, and truly experiencing the “joy of giving” for themselves.
Take a moment to think: What do I want to teach & achieve now & later?
- I want my child to share willingly so she can enjoy playing with her friends.
- I want my child to learn how to take turns, negotiate when required & cope with the disappointment of not getting what she wants everytime.
- I want my child to know that whichever toy is NOT being played with is available.
- If she wants what someone else has, she must ask for a turn respectfully, rather than grab it.
- I want my toddler to learn to communicate or assert himself respectfully rather than hit or scream if he does not want to share.
Now, here’s where WE parents need to learn or un-learn a few concepts about sharing:
1. Your child does NOT have to share everything, all the time! He is free to play with a toy that’s available in a public setting for as long as he wants to.
2. He is free to choose NOT to share his own toys, and he can share them when he wants to.
When it is about other’s possessions, it is worthwhile to teach your toddler important values like “asking” for the toy, returning it when the owner wants it back, taking turns, observing what other’s feel and then choosing to act accordingly.
Here’s how you can help your toddler learn how to share willingly when he’s developmentally ready for it.
8 ways to teach your toddler to share
1. Be an active observer:
When toddlers are interacting with each other – play the role of an active observer. When you take sides, or when you demand a turn – the whole interaction gets heightened, the toy becomes a hot commodity that your toddler wants to cling to even more.
Be there, only to protect the kids from harming each other.
Rest of the dealings, about who wants which toys, who takes what – allow the kids to work things out themselves as per their age. You’ll be surprised – most of the time, they’ll figure something out themselves. Allow for them to naturally learn from these interactions without intervening unnecessarily.
2. Intervene to prevent harm
But when you notice that the interaction is starting to get heated, & you expect some hitting, kicking or pushing to happen for toys – quickly intervene, separate the kids first to keep them safe, and then
Use a C-A-L-M response, a simple acronym I teach in my toddler parenting course to help you remember what to say in any & every tricky parenting situation.
C- Communicate what you see – I see both of you want the same teddy bear.
A – Acknowledge their emotions – Both of you are angry, because you can’t have the teddy.
L – Limit Setting – Hmmm… we have just one teddy! Wish we had one more!!
M – Meet their need – I wonder what we can do now?
3. Allow Problem-Solving.
PAUSE, and let the kiddos come up with solutions – even pre-verbal kids are capable of moving around & finding a duplicate, or something else or they will come up with a solution as per their age. Giving them opportunities to think & problem-solve themselves builds those parts of their higher brain.
And, If they can’t come up with viable solutions, that’s when you can suggest a few options, and let them choose.
4. Help them wait
While its best to allow a child to play with a toy for as long as they want, if there’s a hot commodity that more than one child wants – then
Set a timer – it’s is a great way to help toddlers take turns.
It could sound like, “Let’s do this, I’ll keep a alarm for 2 minutes. Max, you can play with the teddy till the alarm rings. When it rings, you can walk over to Reya and let her play with it for sometime.”
Give a heads up before the alarm rings, “The alarm will ring in a minute. When it rings, Max – do you want to give the teddy to Reya, or should I give it?”
By offering choices & letting them take lead – you’re giving the child enough power in the situation. This reduces the chances of a meltdown, when your toddler suddenly hears the alarm, and panics as YOU try to grab the toy from him! It can all turn messy from here on, if not handled with care!
All this while, proactively, engage the other toddler with something to do, as she waits for her turn. Since they don’t understand the concept of time, waiting can be really tough for a toddler – so it’s important to help them wait.
Having said & done all of the above, some bit of anger, frustration, crying, yelling is inevitable when toddlers play with each other.
They’re not capable of sophisticated behavior or manners, and that’s why
SUPERVISION is extremely important. Just by being an active observer, you’ll learn a lot about your child and about what kind of guidance he’ll need.
5. Model sharing at home
The best way to prepare children for sharing their possessions with other kids, is to model sharing at home.
Regularly schedule some playtime with your child, practice sharing, taking turns & trading toys- and casually introduce them to the “sharing lingo” like –
“Can I have a turn when you’re done?”
“Ok, I will wait.”
“I can’t give this now, I’ll give it when I’m done playing?”
“Here, I’m done playing. Do you want this now?”
“Thank you for sharing with me”
“It’s my turn to build the tower, then it’s your turn”
“You go first, then it’s my turn.”
“I’ll give you the red blocks. You give me the green blocks.”
When you give & take toys, they understand the dynamics of give & take, and that when someone takes something from you – it’s not gone forever, most likely they will give it back!
Add a lot of gestures for little kids.
6. Practice taking turns with chores at home
Like “I’ll pour the milk, you pour the water”. When they hear these phrases, in playful, regular situations along with you – they will be able to relate better & remember them, when they’re in similar situations with other kids. They learn the most by watching us.
You could also model sharing in other daily situations – like, while eating – if they want a piece of bread from your plate, you can share it & casually say with a smile, “I am sharing this with you.”
7. Highlight when they share
Toddlers will also naturally give you (the parent) some of their things willingly. So make it a point to highlight it by saying, “Aww.. You’re sharing this with me. Thank you so much.”
What this does is – it associates good feelings with the act of sharing! And your toddler will be more willing to part with his possessions when he’s ready, because he knows from his past experiences that sharing feels good.
8. Prep before playdates
A lot of the scenarios can be proactively prevented by doing some prep before playdates. Tell them what to expect – give them all the details before hand. When it’s all familiar & predictable, their lower brain will tend to act out less. Tell your toddler about –
Special toys vs Sharing toys : You can encourage them to keep some toys that they’re ok with sharing out, while the special ones can be put away safely in the cupboard. That’s ok. Your toddler might have genuine concerns, that her friends might break or spoil their favourite toys.
It could sound like –
“After lunch, Shaivi is going to come home to play with you. It’s going to be lots of fun. What are you going to play with her? You want to build towers or play with the dolls?”
“Dolls – Great, let’s keep that out. Are there some toys you don’t want to share with Shaivi? Ok. Let’s keep them in the cupboard.”
Knowing they don’t always HAVE to share makes it easier for kids to loosen their grip on toys, helps them feel safe & calm – releasing them & allowing them to enjoy the playtime. It’s a great way to protect your child’s interests, & let him know his concerns or feelings are valid.
You’re also giving a valuable lesson about being proactive, planning ahead of time, being assertive about your feelings about certain possessions & caring for them.
Other effective tools in the moment during playdates are:
- Now – Then, “Now, let’s play with the teddy, then you can play with the truck that Adi has.”
- Offer Choices like, “Looks like Eva wants a turn with the teddy. Do you want to play with the trucks or the legos when Eva plays with the teddy.”
- Let them take lead, “Baby, show Shreya which toys she can play with.”
Giving your toddler age-appropriate power in the situation will help him willingly part with his possessions, most of the time!
Be calm & consistent with your responses, REPEAT the same words & gestures in similar situations as many times as you have to.
Here’s few scenarios for you to consider:
What to do when another kid grabs things out of your child’s hands?
One – don’t intervene unless you have to. A lot of times, your child might be completely ok, but your emotions might come up – “I need to teach my child to stand up for himself.” Remember, this one interaction does not predict your child’s future personality.
Two – if your child melts down, Connect First then Engage – You get close, make eye contact – Then say what you see & acknowledge their emotions. Here’s a CALM response that you could use, “Lyla grabbed the toy from your hand. And you didn’t like that. You didn’t want that to happen. You’re feeling really angry & sad. It’s ok to be upset.”
And let the emotions flow. Once they’re calm – you can engage them in problem solving or suggest a few solutions like – playing with another toy, or asking for a turn.
When they’re calm – You can also suggest what to do next time – “Next time, if you don’t want to give your toy – you can hold on to your toy, and say I’m playing. I’ll give it when I’m done.”
What if your child is the grabber?
Oooo, I know when that happens, you feel like all the eyeballs around you are piercing through you, and judging you like “Oh! She’s raising such a brat!” Please remember, this is your perception, it’s a story you’re making up in your head. You really don’t know for sure what others are thinking. So, learn to ignore these false assumptions that your brain makes up – and bring your focus back to how you can help your child & teach him some valuable lessons.
Here, once again – intervene only if you have to, and if the other child seems to meltdown because of this.
You will need to Attend to your own child, first – Connect with them, get close, make eye contact and use a CALM response,
C – Oh! Looks like you wanted the toy Isha was playing with. So you grabbed it.
A – That’s making Isha very sad.” (as you also welcome Isha close to you.)
LM – What do you think we can do to help her feel better?
Let your child suggest, or you suggest a viable solution – like taking turns with a timer, while you engage your child with something else.
Reflecting on their emotions, and also on other’s emotions is a great way to teach & model empathy.
What you should NOT do when it comes to teaching your child to share?
Magda Gerber, says – “If we make a child share, that’s not sharing.” So, don’t force your child to share anything or everything.
- It tells your toddler his needs don’t matter, & he must put others’ wants / needs first. (As Moms we know how much we struggle with self-care because of this thought-process) .
- It teaches the other toddler who’s demanding the toy, that waiting is not needed. He is entitled to have what he wants when he wants it.
Also, if you keep pushing the ‘sharing’ agenda all the time, and your toddler consistently feels bad about it – he will start associating those bad feelings with “sharing” & soon sharing becomes a bad word. Even when he’s developmentally ready for it, he will be less likely to want to share willingly. It’s a lose-lose!. So, be patient & do not force sharing.
More importantly, Don’t shame or punish or label your child as ‘selfish’ for not sharing, that’s even worse! NOPE! Not allowed!
Books for toddlers about sharing
Books are a great way to teach and inculcate moral values in children. Here’s a list of books that could help your child relate with and grasp the concept of sharing.
As you read each story to them, encourage them to share their thoughts about how each character felt about sharing or not sharing, how did they find solutions for the problem at hand and so on. Use this opportunity to listen, rather than preach or teach. Such conversations are a great way to get a peek inside your child’s mind & heart to know how they see the world, how they feel when they struggle with sharing. These insights will help you understand your child better, and also help them through their struggles in more meaningful ways.
Finally, there’s a 100 different scenarios that could pan out as kids learn to play with each other. The key is to stay present, guide your little player with the rules of the game & find ways to support them as they learns.
Now that you’ve got ample ideas, tips & action plans to help you, I hope you’re feeling more confident & at peace about your toddler (not) learning to share!! 😉
If you love the parenting tips & ideas I shared here and you’d love to learn more, The Ultimate Toddler Parenting Course is what you’re looking for! Do check it out.